Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Somewhere in England, oh, 1977...

The door banged open and slammed the wall, rattling its hinges and recoiling from the hole in the wall where the knob had been impaled so many times before.

"I've got it, lads, I have f-ing got it!" came the bombastic shout.

"What's that, Freddie?" Brian inquired, distractedly, unable or unwilling to separate his intense focus from the knobs, dials, meters and guages on the board in front of him.

"Ho-there, Fred, what-ye got?" chimed in John and Roger.

"Three words lads, three stupendous, outrageous, gorgeous words. These are the news of the world, my friends, so prepare yourselves."

John and Roger looked briefly at each other; exchanged a "here we go again," as Brian, not as distracted as he appeared, mumbled an "oh, shit" under his breath.

"We're sitting down, let us in on it then."

"Now get this," Freddie said, addressing each one in turn. "Fat," he lobbed to Roger. "Bottomed," he threw at John. And pausing, forcing Brian to look up, he flailed, with triumphant finality, "Girls."

"Oh shit," iterated Brian.

"That's right, blokes, it's f-ing fat, f-ing bottomed, f-ing girls. If that isn't rock and f-ing roll immortality, what is? I mean, fat bottomed girls, they make the rocking world go 'round! Am I right or am I right? You can you feel it, can't you?"

"Freddie," said Roger, "The name of the album is Jazz. Where's the bleedin' jazz in fat bottomed girls?"
"Freddie," said John, "you don't even like girls."
"Freddie," said Brian. "Freddie," sighed Brian, "Freddie."

"Pah-look at me. Though I'm just a skinny lad, when it comes to rock and roll, I know good from bad. Give 'em the naughty ladies every time. This is going to kill'em! I can see it now, hundreds of fat bottomed girls on bicycles on stage. This is better than Tie your Mother Down!"

"Roger, give me a baudy heavy bass drum, John, a thumping low E. Give it all you've got. Brian, join in when you're done fiddling with your little knobs. We've got a glamour-rock world to dominate and this is the ticket of the year"

My friends, can you see this important moment in rock and roll history playing out in any other way? Yes, I know Brian may wrote this one. But this is much more fun, isn't it?

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